Getting older. God, it sucks.

So, my birthday is next Thursday.

If you can’t tell, there is a distinct lack of excitement in that statement. Why? Because 1-it’s a Thursday and 2-I have no plans for it other than a Geist game on Friday.

I’d love to do something that weekend. Something, anything. Hell, I’d be fine with dinner at fucking Burger King. It’s not about where to go or what to do. It’s about being with people, sharing time together, having a laugh at someone else’s expense. You know, the good stuff.

Riiiiiight. Like that’ll happen.

Much as my luck would have it, my birthday falls the same weekend as Mother’s Day. And as past experience has shown, the simple plan of dinner either Friday or Saturday night gets shot down under the abyssal din of, “But it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday! I gotta plan that.”

So the extravagant plans you have- which, in 90% of cases, is taking her out for dinner, or ordering in, or actually just sitting at home- somehow prevents you from doing ANYTHING at all the entire weekend? Wow. I gotta say, that’s some effort you’re putting in. Tell me, does it involve catering a 6 course meal? Setting up a concert? Doing something similar that requires monumental effort? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So if one of you that knows me reads this and wants to do something for me, cool. If not, I’ll just chalk this birthday up as another disappointment.

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Fuck off my phone, asshole.

People simply amaze me with the balls they have.

I’m at my local pizzeria waiting for a small pie to go. I like pizza. A lot. But no, I wasn’t eating it all myself. Hakuna your tatas on that. I have reasonable amounts of eating ability, not pig out on the constant ability.

So I’m on my phone texting with a friend when a guy who was sitting in the pizzeria walks up to me. Now mind you, I’ve got my headphones on listening to my MP 3 player while texting, so it would even be clear to Stevie Wonder I don’t want to be bothered.

“Sorry to bother you,” he starts.

Pause.

No, dude, you are not sorry to bother me. If you were sorry to bother me, your ass wouldn’t have bothered me in the first place. So please, stop lying.

“Can I use your phone to make a phone call?”

Pause.

Motherfucker, I don’t know you from a hole in the wall. I have no idea who you’re calling, or even if you’re going to make a call. For all I know, you’re going to take my phone and make a run for it. Fuuuuuuuuck that shit. You think I’m stupid? You’re not touching my phone. Go ask the pizzeria. They got a landline. But I’ll be god DAMNED if you’re touching my phone.

“Sorry, my phone’s on minutes,” I replied, to which he moved on to the 3 high school girls waiting on their food. They shot him down too.

Some people got some fucking nerve, I tell you. This is Brooklyn, pal. That ain’t happening. Make sure you got a phone on you at all times. They ain’t hard to get. Shit, there’s 5 places within rolling out of bed distance from my place that you can get a phone on the spot.

This is why you always gotta be on watch. Retards are around every corner trying to prove how slick they are by robbing you of your things. Stay aware, people. Don’t let them win.

Starbucks is a unicorn!

All these people all butthurt over the unicorn drink from Starbucks. “It’s unhealthy! It takes forever to make! Blah blah blah!”

First, it’s Starbucks. Those complaining about the damn drink are the same people that bitched about their holiday cups and just about everything else about them. Shut the fuck up, all of you.

Second, fuck the sugar count. All reports I’ve read about it are the same: IT TASTES LIKE HOT SHIT. If your need for overpriced coffee is that strong, they got an entire menu of the stuff that actually tastes decent.

Meanwhile, I’ll hit up the bagel store by my house and get more coffee for less money. Hell, I’ll hit up McDonald’s for the same amount of coffee from my bagel store for $1.09. Or I’ll just make an ENTIRE POT at home and enjoy that.